If I'm such a good woman, How come I'm still single?

First thing this morning, I get a call from a way back when.. friend. I hadn’t heard from this friend in maybe a year. He was just checking in on my daughter and I. Shooting the breeze about the weather and some FB photos. Then he asked what they all ask at the very end of the conversation… “When am I getting a wedding invitation?”

Seven lessons learned from my EX sisters-in-law

Observe and stay quiet:
In order to get a fine picture of a marriage not meant to be, all I have to do is watch one in progress, and not say a word. I have two brothers and both are divorced at least twice now. The first wife for both was.. 'the keeper.' They were either too young or too dumb to realize it, though. I have always been observant of other peoples marriages because I've never seen a real good one up close. My mom married a long distance truck driver. That wasn't a good marriage. My brothers were both marriage-minded & fine marriage material. So I thought. After their first marriages ended, I realized.. every man has his dog days and every man has his pressure point. Being aware of this has helped me in my own choices of men. I don't judge harshly -men for being who they are, I judge harshly the women for making the choice to be with a man - not knowing whether his dog days are coming or have gone.. and not knowing his pressure point.


Everything is connected:
When you're in a committed marriage relationship, you can see the synchronicity of things. The mortgage, the car, the electric bill, the kids, the life insurance, the dog.. -Everything is connected. All you need to do is just stay in awareness of your connection and remain a part of the evolution of it all. When you remember that everything is connected, you resort to love only tactics to maintain that connection. One brother has maintained a hopeless connection to his wife for years -for the sake of his boys. And he's finally resorted to living in a hotel so he won't be provoked to hit or slap back, their mother.

Love:
Hate is not the opposite of love.. Nor is jealously. Fear is the opposite of love. I've got a combination of six nieces and nephews and 5 ex sisters in law. Like I said, the first two were the keepers, and their children were planned 'love' babies. Unfortunately, for the other 4 nieces and nephews.. they are trapped in the fear cycles of their parents. Homophobia (one SIL has a gay brother). Fear of separation and alienation from the children. Fear of child support. Fear of failure. Fear of condemnation..

Eyes can't see everything:
Eyes just can't see the other person because they know too much about him. Eyes interpret everything.. He's sexy. She's fine. He's broke. She's nuts! In order to really see you've got to look with your heart heart. Then you can truly see who you've got!

Man is poor, existence is rich:
The brother in the hotel? His soon to be ex-wife was born of wealthy parents. She grew up never wanting for anything. She has no sense of loss or lack. We weren't poor, but.. we grew up knowing that family is here to support each other in times of need. When our mother has a need, my brother has to banter with his wife to help meet it. She argues, "If we send money to your mama, we gotta send money to mine." What woman who is worth something does that?

You cannot love enough:
I realize that marriage takes more than a notion. I realize that you cannot simply have a good marriage, you can only strive to have a good marriage. Damn! With all this observing and listening I've been doing.. I was hoping to have a splendid marriage some day.. As soon as I find a splendid man to marry. That's the way it should be. Splendid. And in that splendor you learn the art of acceptance. Am I right? Then everything can be perfect.

Happiness is my responsibility:
I can only imagine the missed opportunities to perfect a marriage.. if a divorce happens. The Kodak moments, the vacations, the trials and treasures that might have been.. become extinct. A happy marriage is my responsibility. But if happiness cannot be achieved then I must leave and find happiness somewhere else. That's what my brother in the hotel is doing.

Love You, Too

In the living room of about 20 others, she sat on pointe in a wing chair directly across from me on the sofa. I imagined she was my deceased paternal grandmother. Slender, bejeweled with silver tresses beautifully coiffed away from her high cheek bones and dark but slightly reddened complexion. I'm told I'll look like her when I'm that age. The rock on her ring finger spoke volumes! She obviously belongs to a well endowed man. Hmmmm.. I was impressed and proud. But my grandmother, she is not.

This single mom's charity project kick-off meeting started with a round-robin of introductions, and finally, hers was.. testimonial; As if it's the only reason to exist she said.. "A man wants a woman who has a passion for something." My mother never even told me that! Then again, my truck driver step dad had child support to pay, and my mom, was technically a single mother with three children of her own to raise.. She never got around to indulging in any passion. I wish she had, though. I never knew until I gave birth, my mother wanted to work for NASA. Now, a chronic pain patient, she's an aspiring watercolorist. Observing the clouds, the moon and flowers and painting them on greeting cards she designs. God does have a way of bringing us full circle to our longings.

The beautiful Madam eagerly shared that during a leisurely drive that very day, she admired a house that was occupied. Her husband got out of the car, knocked on the door and asked the owners if they were interested in selling. They said, "Yes." The needful calls to lawyers and realtors were made and the house now belongs to Madam!

I wondered what her passion was that attracted Monsieur. Could it be the active non-profit she claims founding, that grants money to single mothers to further their education? I later on Googled and found nothing about it, her or him, online. I threw her contact information away.

I supposed that if you love a man who can buy you a house on demand, how wonderful for you. And if you desire a union with him, then by all means marry him if your heart calls you to. I just believe that choosing the union you have also chosen to serve God and Goddess. Multi-task if you must! At the very least, fit YOURSELF in first -or else! At first glance I was impressed with Madame, but I also lost confidence in her.. The more she spoke the more I learned. It seems to me, she got lost in her man and all he could bestow. Not a judgment, just an observation.

I guess, sometimes it takes a half your life to get around to loving yourself enough to take care of yourself without any one subsidizing you. I used to think all I wanted was to be married with a bunch of children. But after eight years in the Navy, I realized I could never ever, married or not, allow my partnership with a man to silence my voice.. like my mother likely did.. Not a judgment, just an observation.


Art: Love Yourself First and Then Your Dog by Chryssa Wolfe