The worst thing about being single..

This is serious, to me. Here I am a grown woman and this has made me cry. I needed help with something and nobody I asked would help me. When I realized no one was willing to help, I felt stupid and inadequate for not having a man.

Here's the problem:
A presumptuous, egocentric, ex high school classmate, who found me on Fb and thinks he is more important than he really is, won't stop calling me! At the very least I've expressed that I am not interested in being friends with him. I don't initiate contact with him nor do I respond. Never the less he calls 2-6 times a month.

In addition to being pissed off at him for waking me up out of my much needed Thera-Flu induced nap, I'm about ready to declare him a stalker! I know that's overkill but that's how I'm beginning to feel!

A few months ago I had lunch with a high school friend that knew him well. I told her how he's been hard to get rid of. She told me this: They dated briefly back in h.s. and when she told him she only wanted to be friends, he pounded on the table and told her.."I don't need no mother f******g friends!" We both agreed, then and now.. he's a scary dude.

My solution:
He'll probably stop calling if he thinks I have a man. So I asked one of my brothers to call and tell him to stop calling me. After I busted his chops for laughing, he said he'd make the call but he didn't know when. "I know you're at work right now, but why not tonight? If your wife needed you to make this call for her, you would. Why not do it for me?" I didn't get anywhere with that.

On the phone with a close friend an hour later, I asked her to ask her husband to make the call. She hemmed and hawed and then said.."I'll ask him, but I know he'll say "No."" I was stunned. I'd be ok with my husband making the call for my friend.

What's going on here? Is it me? Or is it them? Am I asking too much? Or am I making too much of this situation?

I felt sad mad enough to cry after answering this question: "Who can I ask to do this for me -who won't ridicule me?

There I was.. All alone with the answer. No one.

To a degree I'm worried about my personal safety. In that I am not sure what he's capable of. He can't seem to take no for an answer. He thinks if he persists I'll change my mind. He creeps me out. Bottom line. So I agreed in prayer that God is my protector. My next thought was.. plenty of praying faithful people have unwanted encounters with creeps!

Prayerfully.. I just hit send on this email via facebook:

"I appreciate that you are interested in how I'm doing or if I need anything. BUT I REALLY WANT YOU TO STOP CONTACTING ME. Please do not call me. Please do not leave me any voice messages. Please do not text message me. Please do not visit me. Please do not write me any letters or send me cards or gifts, etc. Please do not email me or contact me on facebook or any other method."

So.. If he doesn't abide, I will contact the police.

But I still wish I had a man to take care of this for me.

And just in case there's a nice guy out there who would call this dude on my behalf.. here's his number: two one four-eight zero nine-two three, two three. Just say, "Please stop calling Jackie."
Thank you!

Artistic Encounter

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo soon. Actually, my daughter and I were planning to take the plunge together this Valentine's Day. We'd get matching tattoos.. small, discreet with a message or image of mother-daughter love, or her name on me & mine on her.. or a prayer in Sanskit. We hadn't decided on the art or exact placement, and as of Valentine's day, I hadn't found the perfect tattoo artist.

Today I met a woman with beautiful tattoos called sleeves, on both her arms. Her right arm is a colorful seascape with mermaids and dolphins and her left arm had a portrait of Marilyn Monroe. This woman, as it turns out, is the wife of the perfect tattoo artist for me! Only.. she informed me that, even with parental consent, a person under 18 cannot get a tattoo in Texas. Some places may do it illegally, but her husband owns two salons and he won't. So my daughter and I will wait 'til she's 18. Two years from now.

I told my daughter what the woman said.. and then reminded her that.. it was ok for her to change her mind about getting a tattoo if she wanted to. I wanted her to take into consideration that she might someday meet a young man who has an aversion to permanent body art on someone who could be his wife. Or she might want to enter a profession where people don't understand 'freedom of expression' and judge her based on that temporary feeling she has permanently displayed on her flesh. And though that may not matter to her now, or when she's 18, it might matter to her later on.

She looked me in the eyes and sorta winked at me. Then she said, "Thanks mom, for looking out for me, and for allowing me to decide."

That felt good.





Art: "Your Tattoo Here" by Jude Cowell

Libido Rehab

My life as a single mother helped me reach a deeper understanding of my womanhood, today. Let me just say that I went through something that I'm going to call "libido rehab." By libido rehab I mean, after I left that Child Support Division of the Attorney General's office this morning... I was so Fired Up! Hot & Wired! My g-spot came looking for me!

Something about revisiting my past with the father of my child... in order to submit a new petition for court ordered child support got me to feeling all.. as some would say... lustful.

Now that the new petition is signed, sealed, notarized, and soon to be delivered to a judge in Delaware, I'm in some sort of -turned on mood! The checkbook dad's ass is about to be grass.. And if the judge doesn't cut it, I will!! Sixteen years of expatriatism and deliberate dereliction of fatherly duties, emotional and financial, will soon be confronted!! It's not the money so much, it's the court order to Mr. "I don't want a judge telling me what to do and when to do it.." that turns me on!

By the time I was outta there, I was so exhausted & frisky & hot, I couldn't stand it! At the same time, I felt very tearful and hurt and angry! How dare him! Hurt my baby because I didn't want to be his wife! Before I could get to my car, something was definitely going on within me. But what?

Meanwhile.. Some cosmic strangeness was happening between 9 and 11:30 a.m. while I was taking care of business. As it turns out, I'd missed several calls from almost every man I've met in the past year. But not one of them left a message. The least desirable called so many times.. I went online and manually blocked his number! But before I did that, I thought; Do I? Would I? Could I? Should I? Because.. I seriously had thoughts of calling him back to ask him if he would like to be a friend with benefits. My mind was wandering all over the place!

But why would I go there? I don't like him the way he likes me! He moves too fast. And .. it ain't like he's eye candy! I do know he'd be happy to oblige my EVERY request. I also know that there'd be too many strings attached. He'd change his wardrobe, religion, and address to hang out with me! Before I know it.. he wouldn't be himself but Andy Garcia and Malik Yoba all rolled up into one juicy fine man! And I'm not interested in a man who needs to change in order to be with me. He wouldn't want me to do that for him.

It took me an hour to decide not to call him! Struggling with the thought of immediate pleasurable stress relief vs.. being totally irked for the rest of my life by a man who otherwise turns me off! (But maybe good sex would change MY MIND about him.) Ummmm... Nope. I couldn't do it! Not with him. Not with anyone else! I'll just deal with my libido.. secretly!


As for my instantaneous awakening.. I think it must have had something to do with rehashing my relationship with my baby's daddy and seeing the original petition with my answer to this question:

When was the child conceived? Answer: February 1, 1993. Seventeen years ago --yesterday.

Can you believe that?

Art Credits:

Hot Mama Art: Kim Carney/msnbc.com
Art: "Clandestine Libido" by Ramaz Razmadze

The BLISS of My Ignorance

Well now... I'm currently on a Comfort & Joy kick and I've made a decision! It started last July, and I'm kicking it up a notch, effectively immediately! Mostly due to my far away brother pulling another surprise visit on us! He came, it seems, to support my local brother in his civil marriage ceremony to a girlfriend, the local family had no idea was happening. I decided months ago that I don't have a need to & nor do I want to know everything going on with everyone in our family. But when a sibling gets married (for the 3rd time) and he doesn't t tell you or invite you.. What are you supposed to feel?

My comfort and joy seems to fade off into the sunset when I'm drawn, sucked or dragged into other people's complicated *schtuff! (my polite word for s-h-i-t). This secret marriage certainly is complicated. And now I want my comfort and joy back!

Last summer, when a relative went on a rant about superfluous nonsense of her own doing... Out of curiosity, I asked "Why are you telling us this stuff?" And not speaking for any one else, I added "I don't particularly want to know about it." She was startled, "You don't?!! Well! You neeeed to know!" That was my queue to leave.

My new philosophy? I'll ask you no questions, and you don't tell me anything that isn't pleasant and peaceful and nice! I have learned that I am at my best with my family, when I abide in the rest, peace, comfort and quiet of Apt 10b. I have enough going on in my own life as an enterprising single woman & mom, on this side of town, and I am not willing to commute for some family drama!

I love my brothers. But I don't get them. For now, my feelings are hurt. I didn't hear from either of them all day Friday or Saturday. I missed a call from one of 'em @ 6am today. No message. I'll get over it.

That's why I'm sooo looking forward to Byron Katie's workshop tonight! One of my favorite quotes of hers is:

"Everything happens FOR me, not to me." - I love this!

And with that said.. I have resorted to speaking to those mellow dramatic friends and family.. what the art piece above says so clearly...

"Talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listening."

Art: "Joseph Campbell Said (2009)" by Valerie Alon

More than enough surprises for one day!

I spent a couple of hours at billiards and bowling with the cable guy a few nights ago. Learned some interesting things about him. I secretly wondered if the guy might have PTSD. Fatal shooting, Gulf war veteran sniper near miss and near death personal experiences. I should avoid him at all costs.

The Universe had a different plan.

With new carpet installation a few days later came the need to disconnect the tv and cable box, then the problem of no picture after countless attempts at rebooting and reconnecting. Wouldn't you know it? I call him instead of the cable company for technical support. What was I thinking?

Just as he was finishing up, my brothers make a surprise visit from Iowa and Florida. I only expected the one from Iowa. But when the one from Florida emerged from the car. Well.... After my initial shock and tearful greeting, I composed myself to introduce him or them to.. each other. Three very cool very handsome men standing in my drive way. What a day!

He leaves to go about his work day and my brothers and I hang out for a minute, before I decide to pick up my teen from school a little early. I haven't seen my brothers together in 5 years! It was a wonderful, touching gift to laugh and enjoy their company. Knowing they'd both be going their separate ways tomorrow, and it could be another 5 years before we meet up again. They're weird like that.

A few hours later, I discover two text messages on my cell phone....

From the cable guy.

[First Message]
"It was nice to see u smile like that, when u were surprised by your brothers. So that must mean u dont see them as much as u should. Shame on u all."

[Next Message]
... "And your eyes are truly beautiful."

Wow. That was very endearing, to say the least.

Now.. How quickly can I forget about my brothers' surprise visit after these surprise messages?