Thursday, February 25, 2010

Interracial Love

We all know it is the content of a man's character that speaks the most about who he is.. not the color of his skin. Right? Well.. Many people do have preferences that outrank character..

I'm personally one who is open to loving a man of any race, but I do prefer Black men. As a Black woman, in my mind,
historically and spiritually, the Black man truly reigns. For better or worst, Black men have a definite sex appeal. It's not about the brother's johnson, it's about his Soul's Code. And I believe there are some things only a Black woman can teach and provide for a Black man.. who wants it. But if he doesn't want it.. Too bad, too sad.. His loss! A good man is a good man no matter his race!

First, I'll tell you the race of men I've dated Brits (anglo), Spaniards, Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, average American White Boys (from Wisconsin to Texas to Kentucky), Africans, and African Americans. In my wildest fantasy.. the man of my wildest dreams is Latino. Cuban, to be exact. Ask me no questions I'll tell you no lies!

But what's the deal with any woman desiring a man of another race? I would say that a thoughtful spiritual woman will tell you something like this...

  1. He's a teacher. Ultimately, he is a self-study program. He will teach you various aspects of yourself you didn't even know existed. How you perceive and behave toward men - changes after you've been in an interracial relationship. And it's in your own head that you haven't. Everyone else will notice.

  2. He puts you on a spiritual path. In Black and White terms.. your relationship will stress application rather than theory, and experience rather than theology. All you have to do is follow his lead and you can obtain the goal of peace and harmony ad infinitum. In the end, it'll either last or it won't. Basically, what I'm saying is.. at first there will be this subtle struggle because of race/culture differences. Face it. Don't deny it! You can pretend you don't notice them, others will teach you it's true. Then.. you decide to handle things, ignore differences.. and integrate him into you. Becoming one with him will make you more like him.

  3. He dictates rules of behavior. I've observed that it's usually the woman that can't keep doing whatever she's been doing once she gets with a man of another race. The man does not change his behavior because he's with you, but his meaning changes because he's with you. He becomes the WHY.. you've changed what you're doing. He's worth it to you. Along with your new perspective, it's not unusual that your ways and even your external circumstances change.

  4. He's a beautiful communion of universal erotic themes. And more than that, he is a fusion of sexuality and spirituality. Sexuality and spirituality have often been at cross-purpose-- each terrified of the other. An interracial relationship, however, breathes new life into the finest ideas of sacred eroticism.. delivering its own message. Just look at the babies of an interracial union.

  5. He gives you immediate results. One interracial relationship (not sexual encounter -but a pure relationship) will change you. Your day, your feelings, your life, your experiences. Who doesn't want to change like that? It's fun to explore the stereotypes and unknowns. Right away you get more out of it than you ever imagined!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The worst thing about being single..

This is serious, to me. Here I am a grown woman and this has made me cry. I needed help with something and nobody I asked would help me. When I realized no one was willing to help, I felt stupid and inadequate for not having a man.

Here's the problem:
A presumptuous, egocentric, ex high school classmate, who found me on Fb and thinks he is more important than he really is, won't stop calling me! At the very least I've expressed that I am not interested in being friends with him. I don't initiate contact with him nor do I respond.
Never the less he calls 2-6 times a month.

In addition to being pissed off at him for waking me up out of my much needed Thera-Flu induced nap, I'm about ready to declare him a stalker! I know that's overkill but that's how I'm beginning to feel!

A few months ago I had lunch with a high school friend that knew him well. I told her how he's been hard to get rid of. She told me this: They dated briefly back in h.s. and when she told him she only wanted to be friends, he pounded on the table and told her.."I don't need no mother f******g friends!" We both agreed, then and now.. he's a scary dude.

My solution:
He'll probably stop calling if he thinks I have a man. So I asked one of my brothers to call and tell him to stop calling me. After I busted his chops for laughing, he said he'd make the call but he didn't know when. "I know you're at work right now, but why not tonight? If your wife needed you to make this call for her, you would. Why not do it for me?" I didn't get anywhere with that.

On the phone with a close friend an hour later, I asked her to ask her husband to make the call. She hemmed and hawed and then said.."I'll ask him, but I know he'll say "No."" I was stunned. I'd be ok with my husband making the call for my friend.

What's going on here? Is it me? Or is it them? Am I asking too much? Or am I making too much of this situation?

I felt sad mad enough to cry after answering this question: "Who can I ask to do this for me -who won't ridicule me?

There I was.. All alone with the answer. No one.

To a degree I'm worried about my personal safety. In that I am not sure what he's capable of. He can't seem to take no for an answer. He thinks if he persists I'll change my mind. He creeps me out. Bottom line. So I agreed in prayer that God is my protector. My next thought was.. plenty of praying faithful people have unwanted encounters with creeps!

Prayerfully.. I just hit send on this email via facebook:

"I appreciate that you are interested in how I'm doing or if I need anything. BUT I REALLY WANT YOU TO STOP CONTACTING ME. Please do not call me. Please do not leave me any voice messages. Please do not text message me. Please do not visit me. Please do not write me any letters or send me cards or gifts, etc. Please do not email me or contact me on facebook or any other method."

So.. If he doesn't abide, I will contact the police.

But I still wish I had a man to take care of this for me.

And just in case there's a nice guy out there who would call this dude on my behalf.. here's his number: two one four-eight zero nine-two three, two three. Just say, "Please stop calling Jackie."
Thank you!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Is there a Cougar in me?

I've been trying to sit this whole cougar thing out since I first heard the term and understood the meaning to be an older woman who's trying to score with a much younger man.

My 16 year old giggles that I think her 20something year old mall store manager, Josh - is adorable. When I first met him, I was pretty forward.. I advanced on him, shook his hand, cornered him -asking him questions and telling him how cute he was. I didn't even realize I was doing it. My daughter snarled at me.. "Mom?!" Then she dragged me out of the store and told me I was acting like a "cougar!" Me? A cougar? Palease!

I've heard of, but have never seen this t.v. show with Vivica, Aint Got No Talent, Fox... called "Cougars." I'm sure it's woefully, painfully, pathetically, unfunny.. and uninteresting. Though she probably plays a really good overly surgically altered cougar, watching & waiting preying on lil' boys. Am I being ugly? Sorry. I'm just not a Vivica fan. At all.

And who came up with that name, "cougar," anyway? And why is there a stigma attached to a woman over 40 wanting or having a younger man? When men have been hooking up with younger women for ages! Is there a name for that, besides "sugar daddy?" Oh, yes... It's.. "Double standard."

Some women think the term "cougar" is derogatory. I wouldn't go that far. As a matter of fact it's very reflective of some of the traits of a cougar. You know -being on the hunt, prowl; to corner & pounce! Like I seemed to have been doing with Josh that day.

I do feel like going on the hunt sometimes, when I'm so aware that I'm not with anyone, and everyone else seems to be. I could probably never pull that 'cougar' thing off with any success. I'm too self conscious. As good as I feel about myself, and my looks, I do have battle scars, a younger guy wouldn't understand or want to hear the stories of. And I cannot see me pouncing on anything! Well. Maybe. Depends on the man.

I could entertain a much younger man taking care of me, but I probably couldn't do it the way Stella did it.. I think she went back way too far.. My groove is not in that bad a shape! At my age, anybody under 35 is not going to work.

I remember when I was 39, I met a 30 year old man who totally turned me off when he said.. in the middle of a discussion about something.. "My mother didn't raise me like that!" Tha end. Bye-bye. That was one too many references to his mother!

And when I was 25 I was dating someone was just turning 20. We had the hots for each other.
As it turns out he was going through a divorce from a cougar... who had a child from a previous marriage. He was still in love with her. He decided to tell me about it after he realized we were getting serious. I think he ended up reconciling with her. I do remember him telling me she was 40 something (the age I am, now). I was mad that he didn't tell me he was married. But I was sad that we broke up. And I missed him for a long time afterwards. He was sweet! And smart. Ambitious. And lots of fun...

...But mostly, he had no inhibitions or judgments. After I learned he was married to an older woman, I understood why he had that mature touch & passion. Somebody had taught it to him! Yowza!

I'd like to think that if I decided to enter a relationship with a much younger man.. I'd not be looked as a sad old maid or even as some super hottie "on the hunt." But as someone who is seriously in the game of seek and ye shall find --the right one. Even if he's 5 and NO MORE THAN ten years younger than me. As long as he's able to NOT play any games and step up to me without any unnecessary superfluous b-s-ing.. then, I'd be ok with it!

Wanna meet the... The Real Cougar Woman? She's even written a book that debunks the cougar myths! Gotta love her!

Outside the beauty myth

In this Song of Solomon, we can hear the protest of a woman who does not fit into her society's beauty myth:

"I am black but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, Like the tents of Kedar, Like the curtains of Solomon."Do not stare at me because I am swarthy, For the sun has burned me. My mother's sons were angry with me; they made me caretaker of the vineyards, But I have not taken care of my own vineyard."

The above video was created by Kari Morris and Onleilove Alston based on scriptures from Song of Songs 1:5-6; 5:7; 8:6b and Music "'Til We Reach That Day" taken from the Original Cast Album of RAGTIME.

Kari Morris a graduate of The Actors Studio and Union Theological Seminary is an actor, writer,singer and executive producer of the film "Two".

Onleilove Alston is a student at Union Theological Seminary and Columbia University School of Social Work. She organizes with NY Faith & Justice and the Poverty Initiative. During the summer of 2008 she served at Sojourners as a Beatitudes Society Fellow. You can visit her blog- Esther's

Read the entire article @ The Beatitudes Society

The man your man could smell like

I don't need to say anything more.. Just watch and quiver

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Seven lessons learned from my EX sisters-in-law

Observe and stay quiet:
In order to get a fine picture of a marriage not meant to be, all I have to do is watch one in progress, and not say a word. I have two brothers and both are divorced at least twice now. The first wife for both was.. 'the keeper.' They were either too young or too dumb to realize it, though. I have always been observant of other peoples marriages because I've never seen a real good one up close. My mom married a long distance truck driver. That wasn't a good marriage. My brothers were both marriage-minded & fine marriage material. So I thought. After their first marriages ended, I realized.. every man has his dog days and every man has his pressure point. Being aware of this has helped me in my own choices of men. I don't judge harshly -men for being who they are, I judge harshly the women for making the choice to be with a man - not knowing whether his dog days are coming or have gone.. and not knowing his pressure point.

Everything is connected:
When you're in a committed marriage relationship, you can see the synchronicity of things. The mortgage, the car, the electric bill, the kids, the life insurance, the dog.. -Everything is connected. All you need to do is just stay in awareness of your connection and remain a part of the evolution of it all. When you remember that everything is connected, you resort to love only tactics to maintain that connection. One brother has maintained a hopeless connection to his wife for years -for the sake of his boys. And he's finally resorted to living in a hotel so he won't be provoked to hit or slap back, their mother.

Hate is not the opposite of love.. Nor is jealously. Fear is the opposite of love. I've got a combination of six nieces and nephews and 5 ex sisters in law. Like I said, the first two were the keepers, and their children were planned 'love' babies. Unfortunately, for the other 4 nieces and nephews.. they are trapped in the fear cycles of their parents. Homophobia (one SIL has a gay brother). Fear of separation and alienation from the children. Fear of child support. Fear of failure. Fear of condemnation..

Eyes can't see everything:
Eyes just can't see the other person because they know too much about him. Eyes interpret everything.. He's sexy. She's fine. He's broke. She's nuts! In order to really see you've got to look with your heart heart. Then you can truly see who you've got!

Man is poor, existence is rich:
The brother in the hotel? His soon to be ex-wife was born of wealthy parents. She grew up never wanting for anything. She has no sense of loss or lack. We weren't poor, but.. we grew up knowing that family is here to support each other in times of need. When our mother has a need, my brother has to banter with his wife to help meet it. She argues, "If we send money to your mama, we gotta send money to mine." What woman who is worth something does that?

You cannot love enough:
I realize that marriage takes more than a notion. I realize that you cannot simply have a good marriage, you can only strive to have a good marriage. Damn! With all this observing and listening I've been doing.. I was hoping to have a splendid marriage some day.. As soon as I find a splendid man to marry. That's the way it should be. Splendid. And in that splendor you learn the art of acceptance. Am I right? Then everything can be perfect.

Happiness is my responsibility:
I can only imagine the missed opportunities to perfect a marriage.. if a divorce happens. The Kodak moments, the vacations, the trials and treasures that might have been.. become extinct. A happy marriage is my responsibility. But if happiness cannot be achieved then I must leave and find happiness somewhere else. That's what my brother in the hotel is doing.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The problem with Tiger Woods

... is that he's remained silent while others have been speaking.

Tiger Woods hasn't tried to interrupt. He's let everybody talk as long as they want to. The more willing he seems to let the media (and others) express themselves about him and his personal situation, the more completely he seems to be misunderstood. I think his silence has bought him time to be honest and open, but he should stick to doing whatever he's going to do about his private little mess.. in his own time, in his own way.

Our parents tried to teach us.. sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt us? It seems to me that the media is determined to beat the shit out of him and his recovery -from whatever it is that he's recovering from.

I just heard on CNN that Tiger is orchestrating a press conference or public statement tomorrow morning... "Just in time for the Masters." The reporter spoke in an undertone and with much innuendo about the logistics and his timing. What better time?!! The man's THE preeminent golfer of our time! What is he supposed to do? Disappear and NOT play any more golf!? If I'm not mistaken, 4,690 people to date, have fought and died in Operation Iraqi Freedom -alone! For EVERYBODY's freedom! -- Even the freedom to make mistakes and recover from them with a little bit of dignity and with even less condemnation. Especially here in this country!! Ooops! I forget. This IS the U.S.A. We have every right to declare a moral stand against this man and anyone else who falls short! He's never asked for anything from anyone.. except for some privacy. This whole thing of ridiculing Tiger Woods is ridiculous!

I heard nobody complaining about his game or behavior on the golf course before his infidelities were exposed. What is this reeeally about? I think we all know.

I don't care how many people claim they'll boycott sponsors.. The game of golf needs Tiger Woods a lot more than he needs it! And that's the truth!

We all make mistakes. You without sin cast the first stone. And please let us know if you break anything so we can forgive YOU, too!

P.S. I am not a Tiger Woods or a golf fan. Just a fan of the pursuit of personal happiness and simple acts of kindness and forgiveness.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Artistic Encounter

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo soon. Actually, my daughter and I were planning to take the plunge together this Valentine's Day. We'd get matching tattoos.. small, discreet with a message or image of mother-daughter love, or her name on me & mine on her.. or a prayer in Sanskit. We hadn't decided on the art or exact placement, and as of Valentine's day, I hadn't found the perfect tattoo artist.

Today I met a woman with beautiful tattoos called sleeves, on both her arms. Her right arm is a colorful seascape with mermaids and dolphins and her left arm had a portrait of Marilyn Monroe. This woman, as it turns out, is the wife of the perfect tattoo artist for me! Only.. she informed me that, even with parental consent, a person under 18 cannot get a tattoo in Texas. Some places may do it illegally, but her husband owns two salons and he won't. So my daughter and I will wait 'til she's 18. Two years from now.

I told my daughter what the woman said.. and then reminded her that.. it was ok for her to change her mind about getting a tattoo if she wanted to. I wanted her to take into consideration that she might someday meet a young man who has an aversion to permanent body art on someone who could be his wife. Or she might want to enter a profession where people don't understand 'freedom of expression' and judge her based on that temporary feeling she has permanently displayed on her flesh. And though that may not matter to her now, or when she's 18, it might matter to her later on.

She looked me in the eyes and sorta winked at me. Then she said, "Thanks mom, for looking out for me, and for allowing me to decide."

That felt good.

Art: "Your Tattoo Here" by Jude Cowell

Not a Wildfire but a Tender Fire

For days I've been struggling with what to do with this blog. When I discovered the sexy feet with the red nail polish theme, I was content. That image would convey a message I wanted to share with a new audience, and perhaps some old friends would follow me over from another place I'd been hanging out. The message that I'm dying to share is that I'm a sexy sensual woman, not just a sexy mama, AND SO MIGHT BE -OTHER MOTHERS OUT THERE! But as I begin to write daily, I struggled with the message. With several things going on in my life right now, I wasn't sure if - I really wanted to go 'there.' You may have noticed my blog description or tag line has changed quite a few times. For now, I like that it's "How I feel, what I think."

But really, deep down inside I wanted to be a little more adventurous and risqué
here at Apt 10b. More inviting. More appealing to a broader audience. I want to write about and explore topics I didn't dare share on my other more family friendly blog. There, my expressions are mostly about my journey as a single mom of a teen aged girl, and my stance on organized religion & how we are all children of the same universe, in the voice of a woman who considers herself a spiritual, sensual, soulful scribe. There, I can get on my soapbox and feel perfectly safe. Every once in a while revealing my true colors.. But here, I truly want to be vulnerable, put my red dress on! And the red lipstick and the red nail polish, too! Take a chance. Let my hair down.. and burn that sacred fire... that tender fire.. and say out loud --If you think that sexuality recedes with spiritual growth, think again!

I've found that in my essence as a free spirit who abides closely to God, (I may also refer to as Spirit, Creator and sometimes the Universe) the source of all creativity, not only is my spirituality more intense and whole, so is my sensuality and my sexuality!!

So there! It's all out in the open.

Where our anti-sensual culture tends to divide sexuality and spirituality, I'm here to say that a single adult woman dating men, or wanna be dating men, I am not torn about any messages of sex nor am I torn or struggle to find my own values for my sexuality. My sexuality and sensuality is a lovely fire of beautiful flames that cast light and warmth. It's not the least bit destructive and it's certainly not about sexual arousal or gratification. All the time.

And I think that writing this has freed me up to move forward with other entrepreneurial projects and aspirations.. Without hiding myself behind sunglasses any longer. I don't have to blog, but I do have to make a living, and I've been afraid to really be the authentic Mom in Apt 10b; The spiritual, sensual, soulful, me.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What about Men?

I admit, I enjoyed the photo galleries over at Hall of the Black Dragon.. of their favorite Sexy Celebrity Ladies, Models, Adult Starlettes, and that Top 100 Lady Dragons list, is to die for! Wish I was on it! Wow - wee! I figured, why not do a complimentary piece celebrating men? I know what you're thinking: You want to celebrate the status quo? Isn't there already enough in the blogosphere about men? Nope. Besides, much of the news about men is certainly not celebrating them. In fact, most of what I observe is about judging men. Their scandals. Personal attacks. Their infidelities.. Men cause wars. Men are wife-beaters, cheaters, rapists, pedophiles, deadbeats, derelicts and murderers. Men abuse power, are players and losers, and destroy trust, self esteem, confidences, among other things. Well, I'm on a mission to find some male role models to brag about. Most will be eye candy, have tremendous sex appeal, smell fabulous without any additives, and look great in custom made shirts! Why the heck not? This should be fun! Check back.. Oh.. but it definitely won't be a 100 man list! I'll be lucky to find time to profile these...

Have Yourself a FAT Happy Tuesday!

Fat Tuesday started because Catholics wanted to go party (binge) without regret -before Lent.. which is when you give up something (purge) and behave for forty loooooong days and forty loooong nights.

Now that's what I call FREEDOM of religion!

Listen on Rhapsody to some soulful faves from The Big Easy:


Size Matters

My daughter attends a school where the mascot is a stallion. We recently had the discussion as to what makes a stallion - a stallion. It was an intelligent discussion, with giggles, however. Some of her school mates don't understand why the statue on their lawn is missing a thing or two.. "It ain't a stallion if it ain't got 'those,'" they say.. I love horses and being under the weather these past few days, I've watched a couple of movies about horses.. Deliver Us From Eva.. you know at the end of that movie Ray buys Eva a stallion.. cause she loves horses.. and I watched Seabiscuit, again. I guess Seabiscuit wasn't a stallion, but .. Hey!.. he thought he was! Compared to other horses, stallions have so much more testosterone to thank for their prowess and personality! All this talk and thoughts about the grandeur of the stallion brings me back to scale and reminds me to lighten up a little bit. Stop making such a big deal out of little things. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, a stallion isn't the most vast of creations, but.. does size matter?

Well... Think about it. There's Texas. There's the attitude and arrogance of guys like Rick Perry and George Dubbaya. There's the Grand Canyon. The Atlantic Ocean.. The Cosmos. The Cosmos? Now that! Really puts things into perspective when it comes to size! Have you seen this picture of the Hubble Deep Field? "One peek into a small part of the sky... The Hubble telescope has provided mankind's deepest, most detailed visible view of the universe." It looks like a spatter of jewels in black plasma doesn't it? I should print that photo and put it in my wallet.

When I read about unhappy marriages, why men and women don't/can't relate and connect and find love when they want to.. When my mother engages me in superfluous debate about God, Jesus and the bible.. or even when I watch TVOne and KERA and the History Channel during Black History Month and take a step back in time.. and get all ticked off! --I decide to think about the fact that the universe is 156 billion light years across.. And if you turned on a flashlight and followed its beam for one billion years you'd still have 155 billion more years to go. - Then those things little things I've read, or heard, or observed or argued about don't seem so grand after all.

Maybe this only fascinates me.. and helps me forget what there is to argue or disagree about. Size does matter, if you think about it.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Learn to Love.. Happy Valentine's Day!

You may already know this, but I love err' body I've ever met whose from N'awlins. And I especially love a man (from N'awlins or not) who can make things with his hands and his voice. Guitarist, pianist, percussionist, vocalist, writer, painter, builder. In particular I love me some Harry Connick, Jr. Yep, he's from N'awlins & he does reallly good things with his hands and his voice.

I don't care if he's singing about.. paper clips, no body does it better!
Since it's Valentine's Day.. I'd like to share one of my favorites by Harry. . Live!

He is freaking fabulous!!!

Love You, Too

In the living room of about 20 others, she sat on pointe in a wing chair directly across from me on the sofa. I imagined she was my deceased paternal grandmother. Slender, bejeweled with silver tresses beautifully coiffed away from her high cheek bones and dark but slightly reddened complexion. I'm told I'll look like her when I'm that age. The rock on her ring finger spoke volumes! She obviously belongs to a well endowed man. Hmmmm.. I was impressed and proud. But my grandmother, she is not.

This single mom's charity project kick-off meeting started with a round-robin of introductions, and finally, hers was.. testimonial; As if it's the only reason to exist she said.. "A man wants a woman who has a passion for something." My mother never even told me that! Then again, my truck driver step dad had child support to pay, and my mom, was technically a single mother with three children of her own to raise.. She never got around to indulging in any passion. I wish she had, though. I never knew until I gave birth, my mother wanted to work for NASA. Now, a chronic pain patient, she's an aspiring watercolorist. Observing the clouds, the moon and flowers and painting them on greeting cards she designs. God does have a way of bringing us full circle to our longings.

The beautiful Madam eagerly shared that during a leisurely drive that very day, she admired a house that was occupied. Her husband got out of the car, knocked on the door and asked the owners if they were interested in selling. They said, "Yes." The needful calls to lawyers and realtors were made and the house now belongs to Madam!

I wondered what her passion was that attracted Monsieur. Could it be the active non-profit she claims founding, that grants money to single mothers to further their education? I later on Googled and found nothing about it, her or him, online. I threw her contact information away.

I supposed that if you love a man who can buy you a house on demand, how wonderful for you. And if you desire a union with him, then by all means marry him if your heart calls you to. I just believe that choosing the union you have also chosen to serve God and Goddess. Multi-task if you must! At the very least, fit YOURSELF in first -or else! At first glance I was impressed with Madame, but I also lost confidence in her.. The more she spoke the more I learned. It seems to me, she got lost in her man and all he could bestow. Not a judgment, just an observation.

I guess, sometimes it takes a half your life to get around to loving yourself enough to take care of yourself without any one subsidizing you. I used to think all I wanted was to be married with a bunch of children. But after eight years in the Navy, I realized I could never ever, married or not, allow my partnership with a man to silence my voice.. like my mother likely did.. Not a judgment, just an observation.

Art: Love Yourself First and Then Your Dog by Chryssa Wolfe

Saturday, February 13, 2010

How to Get Severely Laid

She once told a lover that she would write a book of poems for him and call it Severely Laid. Later she would write another book and call it Sincerely Touched. She says, it probably would not be interesting to anyone but her, since the rocky road to peace is more sensational than peace itself, and the yearning for love is more dramatic when it hurts. She, is Marianne Williamson my favorite author of a woman's worth.

As I think about the last guy I dumped, it turns out he was in need of some serious dumping.We were only attached in his mind.. I had to dump him hard, too. So hard, that for a moment, I was afraid he might be hurt and never let me live it down. He was hard headed. He thought he was all that and a bag of chips. God's gift to me. Because.. because he thought of me that way.

What's wrong with me that I couldn't get with him? Give him a chance? The frog! He came offering gifts! Might of had Prince potential, too. I beat myself up about it for too long. And as much as I felt like his touch or his presents (not his presence) might cure what ailed me.. I know the truth is.. it just wasn't meant to be that-a-way. He didn't have what it takes. Physically, spiritually, mentally, financially. Emotionally. He was a nerd renting and working double shifts, off on Mondays.. calling and texting me all the time! A sarcastic egotistical antagonist, who left my 16 year old exclaiming..."Mom, our circumstances is not your test... HE is.. your test." Yep, this dude left an indelible mark on me and my child for a very brief moment and he doesn't even know it.

Essentially, UNATTRACTIVE... to me in so many ways, but never the less a very good teacher of something essential. I tried not to hurt his feelings. Even when he asked... "Do you find me attractive?" I blamed it on his wardrobe. T-shirts, gym shorts and orthopedic sneakers without socks is a sure turn off fellas! And he wan't good in bed, either! (Yes, that's no typo.. I said wan't.) No amount of
Maker's Mark whiskey sours--shaken well, so it gets all foamy... was going to make me want to spend any time teaching no body nothing. I'm tired of being the teacher! I want somebody who knows a little something about somethin'... extraordinary.

What matters is.. what matters to me. And that's all that matters. Not yearning for anything, just hold
ing out to be sincerely laid touched by the real deal.

Friday, February 12, 2010

What's sexy What's not

I try not to come across as someone who is attracted to people and things merely because of appearances. Using my heart vs. my eyes in most cases. But thank God for eyes! Without them we couldn't see... "Colors." People. Things. The light. Or we couldn't distinguish that red lipstick from the pink. I love all of my senses! Smelling certain things and touching others, is almost as good as tasting mango! But what is sexy? Is it a taste? A sensation? An aroma? A sound? A color? Here are a few examples according to my sensibilities..

What's Sexy:

A man who understands women..

A Stylish Crooner who's been there..
(the one on the right. MJB)

Bette Midler's Smile.
Bette Midler's Legs.
Bette Midler's Energy.
Bette Midler's Attitude.
Bette Midler's Spirit.
Anything Bette Midler..

Bracelets.. Lot's of 'em

Juicy Ripe Mango..

Guitarist's Hands.

A man in a custom made shirt.

The Temptations.
These 5 Pretty Boys in Purple Suits
-Pretending to be Temps.
And this ReMix of "My Girl"...

What's Not.

I'm just going to lay it out there for Brother West and other vocalists of his genre..

First, this excerpt from his memoir...

“The basic problem with my love relationships with women is that my standards are so high -- and they apply equally to both of us. I seek full-blast mutual intensity, fully fledged mutual acceptance, full-blown mutual flourishing, and fully felt peace and joy with each other. This requires a level of physical attraction, personal adoration, and moral admiration that is hard to find. And it shares a depth of trust and openness for a genuine soul-sharing with a mutual respect for a calling to each other and to others. Does such a woman exist for me? Only God knows and I eagerly await this divine unfolding. Like Heathcliff and Catherine’s relationship in Emily Bronte’s remarkable novel Wuthering Heights or Franz Schubert’s tempestuous piano Sonata No. 21 in B flat (D.960) I will not let life or death stand in the way of this sublime and funky love that I crave!”

YIKES! Is he seriously in search of another woman? Hasn't he been married four times, already?

Here goes: WE CAN'T SEE YOUR FOREST FOR YOUR TREES, BROTHER! Not just your finger nails, facial hair & those glasses. But all that full blast, fully fledged, full blown high standards and rhetoric, too.. Just my humble opinion.

Mary J Blige - She can see Colors

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I love you and all I want you to do....

.. is just hold me. Hold me. Hold me. Hold meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee



Ok Ladies! The only other Gentlemans Magazine You'll Ever Need to Read!

I'm speechless, actually.

Somehow I ended up @ the Hall of the Black

I responded to the post "Solutions for The Single Black Female," and the response to my response, hooked me up. Filled me up. Pleased me. Squeezed me.



Click Here to read my comment

And here is the reply to my comment:

Hi Mom in Apt 10b (love your blog btw) I grew up with a beautiful single mother, so I saw my fair share of sorry-ass men. Actually out of the number that came in and out of our lives I recall one outstanding guy, he was exciting, had her dancing on air but he had a drug habit. The point you make on vices is not a light one, and for all the good points that we have, many men do fall back on vices and it is a wicked thing. Alcohol, drugs, sex, video games, you name it there is always something. That being said you are in pursuit of a truly "different" individual, it leads back to what I said about our typical dives and digs. THAT guy that will win you over for all you are worth, is probably in the least likely place looking for someone like you. Good guys are normally driven, the passion is their vice so they will hang out at places that aren't exactly leisurely to an outsider, but to them it's heaven. Many good guys are home bodies when they aren't actively travelling and Jet Setting. Many cultured guys do their first loves solo, so it would be up to you to keep your eye open for him when you cross paths in an activity that isn't the Black Ski Summit. So if you are running into too many losers with vices, and your wish is for a man of culture and exploration, you will need to do your research on where a man like this frequents. Many times he isn't in your neighborhood, city or stomping grounds. Just remember that we are in the information age and an accomplished single man will be able to get to you without much hassle. Last but not least, we did not get that "minority" tag on accident, I know I am preaching to the choir when I say that for outside of a select few cities black people are a rarity. If I had tried to find my current girlfriend in my town I would have been better off trying to find the holy grail. It is that bad, and many of us forget that it is that bad. So exploring other venues even outside of your local area in order to find Mr. Right is almost a necessity.

You can see more information for the comment on this post here:

Now go hang out @ The Black Dragon's Blog

Monday, February 8, 2010

Don't love me 'cause I'm beautiful..

And don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, either!

It's a known fact that so called beautiful women are more disliked than their "plainer" rivals. And I might add, more lonely, too. Is it a curse to be considered beautiful?

From early childhood I watched my daughter being burdened with the stigma of adoration from adults because of her looks (and her smarts) to the dismay of her peers. And as a teen and young adult, I was called stuck up, or bitch, and antagonized and hated by my peers and coworkers because all the guys were staring and stumbling.. Let's go ahead and call it what it is. A curse!

And now, at age 47, I feel kinda of awkward talking about myself to other women. Even women who think I am beautiful. I like me. And I do beautiful very well. But I'm feeling hopelessly stigmatized myself, and I'm sure that most men I could be remotely attracted to are intimidated and stay away because they think that single and beautiful means deadly or damaged. I always get.. "How come a beautiful woman like you is still single?" Men friends and even my brothers suggest that I when I go out I should dress down and not turn down a drink offer or an invitation to dance. Else.. no other man in the room will ask. "Beautiful women.. Ya'll mess with a brother's head."

At work and in social settings beautiful women quickly become the center of attention. I don't like being the center of attention. It makes me feel like the entertainment. Guys seeking you out, alienating you from all the haters.. um.. women around. You'd be amazed to hear about all the negative attention I got from women at work just because of the unnecessary and undeserved attention I got from men.

I was telling some new friends at a weekend retreat that I tend to wear my sunglasses all the time, even inside at malls and grocery stores and the doctor's office, etc.. to avoid attracting unwanted attention and conversation about my eyes. They are green, and they are really mine. As flattering as that is, it can be very awkward to talk about myself when the focus should be on someone or something else. I know my eyes, my face, my hair, my stance, my persona and presence are beautiful to others! But there's more to me than what you see.

And just because it's beautiful to you doesn't mean it's good for you. You know? So unless you get to know me, you'll never really know me. It would be so nice to meet someone who is interested in getting to know me first without harping on what he thinks of my looks. The worst part is there is really nothing I can do about it... except keep my eyes open for the one who will have.. "enough confidence and swagger to pull me without any fear..."

That'll be the day!

What Counts As Support From A Friend?

I have an acquaintance who is very well connected in the social media and single mother community here in Dallas. Her ability to know who needs what and who has what to offer, barter, exchange or sell is attributed to her thousand mile long & growing daily- mailing list. She's an up and coming publicist and email marketing tipster e-blasting her subscribers with -where to go & things to do. I happened to befriend her just before the holidays and was soon fully engaged in supporting a cute charity that she started.

At the same time, I was going places and doing things to develop interests and business of my own, whilst job hunting, fund raising for my daughter and trying to keep my car out of repo mode! And even though I asked, I was never once supported by my acquaintance to her cornucopia of contacts. As a writer I was somewhat offended when she asked me to deliver "more compelling" copy of my fund raiser schpeel, when her own newsletter content and spelling could use a lot of help! For my re-write effort, I never saw one eblast or post of my time sensitive fund raiser notice. Soon I disengaged as a volunteer in her organization and stopped feeling like she was a friend. Our contact with each other has been very minimal since then..

But wait! There is one thing she seems to be doing for me.. She is passing the word that I'm available for child care? I never asked her to do that! There was this one time I responded to an email she circulated that a single mom needed a temporary baby sitter. But weeks later, she refers me to another single mom of 3 children. And just a week ago.. I get a call from her that a self employed single mom needs administrative support & child care help in her home. IF I was interested in doing some down and dirty organizing and admin work for a successful lady General Contractor with some baby sitting on the side, it wouldn't entail the 30 hours of laundry and ironing and dish-washing and tutoring that this mom required!

What a waste of my brain cells!

I market and promote myself as a POWER Admin, Organizer & Planner and Executive Support Professional when I'm looking to do that kind of work, but I've never said I was a baby sitter! Don't know how it came about that she's telling folks out there.. "She's good with children." When I needed her to tell people that I had an online fund raiser to raise money for my daughter's trip to NYC, she didn't lift her voice once! And I don't get that!

And that big fat juicy jar of home made Brown Sugar Love Scrub I gave her for Christmas? In the business she's in, I sorta kinda hoped for a little promo in one of her many eblasts!

Not a mention...

What is that?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I Admit - I've Always Wanted To Do The Mary Kay Pink Car Diva Dance!

I've dropped in and out 3 times in the past 16 years. Never able to really re-connect until a month ago when I wanted to buy a red lipstick. Mary Kay has the best lipstick on the planet. I Googled "Mary Kay Sales Director" in my zip code, and met my new best friend. Her pink Cadillac has a bad ass analog clock, too!

Yep. I'm hooked again on the idea of being a pink car driver! Forsaking ALL other ventures I've embarked upon.. except my writing and mosaics projects! No. She didn't recruit me.. I recruited her. She's a kindred spirit and I'd be remiss if I let her get away!

What I love about Mary Kay besides the lipstick, eye makeup remover, mascara, and skin care... ?
... Mary Kay teaches women to be women in pursuit. To be women of expression, connection, enterprise, adventure and to aspire to have lives that they can live outside of mommy & wife mode - if they choose!

I choose! I choose!

The money ain't bad, either. Well. That depends on who you ask.

Am I nuts to feel like I can have a lucrative business as a Mary Kay consultant? Years ago when my daughter was a new born and again when she was a toddler, I worked it very hard, and.. managed to earn only bill money. I'd like to think I'm smarter now. But really I am not. Thus my pink Cadillac driving kindred spirit teacher/mentor/friend... Who will surely be honest with me about the possibilities.. and realities.

I spent part of this weekend on a mini retreat with her and 6 other fabulously beautiful women in the business. She and one other are pink car drivers.. And the other 4 were there to rejuvenate and share on how they are getting their mojo into gear for this new year!

I'm not judging anyone but, they all reminded me how hard I once worked at it and dropped out with nothing to show but my understanding of the Mary Kay way. Sharing my thoughts and feelings and listening to theirs only really begs these two questions.. Are their issues a sign of these economic times, or what? And what makes me think my new experiences will be different or better?

Giving it a year and finding that IT just ain't happening for me would be a waste of a year.. that I don't have to waste. That's why I'm giving it -from the git go, to convince me that I can have what I want from this!

And at this point, I just haven't made up my mind about whether I'll go at this full steam ahead, or slowly but surely. I'm not in the mood to waste any time or money so before I make any plans, I need to make up my mind.

And now I wonder what this conversation I'm having with myself really means..

Get the Art @

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Libido Rehab

My life as a single mother helped me reach a deeper understanding of my womanhood, today. Let me just say that I went through something that I'm going to call "libido rehab." By libido rehab I mean, after I left that Child Support Division of the Attorney General's office this morning... I was so Fired Up! Hot & Wired! My g-spot came looking for me!

Something about revisiting my past with the father of my child... in order to submit a new petition for court ordered child support got me to feeling all.. as some would say... lustful.

Now that the new petition is signed, sealed, notarized, and soon to be delivered to a judge in Delaware, I'm in some sort of -turned on mood! The checkbook dad's ass is about to be grass.. And if the judge doesn't cut it, I will!! Sixteen years of expatriatism and deliberate dereliction of fatherly duties, emotional and financial, will soon be confronted!! It's not the money so much, it's the court order to Mr. "I don't want a judge telling me what to do and when to do it.." that turns me on!

By the time I was outta there, I was so exhausted & frisky & hot, I couldn't stand it! At the same time, I felt very tearful and hurt and angry! How dare him! Hurt my baby because I didn't want to be his wife! Before I could get to my car, something was definitely going on within me. But what?

Meanwhile.. Some cosmic strangeness was happening between 9 and 11:30 a.m. while I was taking care of business. As it turns out, I'd missed several calls from almost every man I've met in the past year. But not one of them left a message. The least desirable called so many times.. I went online and manually blocked his number! But before I did that, I thought; Do I? Would I? Could I? Should I? Because.. I seriously had thoughts of calling him back to ask him if he would like to be a friend with benefits. My mind was wandering all over the place!

But why would I go there? I don't like him the way he likes me! He moves too fast. And .. it ain't like he's eye candy! I do know he'd be happy to oblige my EVERY request. I also know that there'd be too many strings attached. He'd change his wardrobe, religion, and address to hang out with me! Before I know it.. he wouldn't be himself but Andy Garcia and Malik Yoba all rolled up into one juicy fine man! And I'm not interested in a man who needs to change in order to be with me. He wouldn't want me to do that for him.

It took me an hour to decide not to call him! Struggling with the thought of immediate pleasurable stress relief vs.. being totally irked for the rest of my life by a man who otherwise turns me off! (But maybe good sex would change MY MIND about him.) Ummmm... Nope. I couldn't do it! Not with him. Not with any
one else! I'll just deal with my libido.. secretly!

As for my instantaneous awakening.. I think it must have had something to do with rehashing my relationship with my baby's daddy and seeing the original petition with my answer to this question:
When was the child conceived? Answer: February 1, 1993. Seventeen years ago --yesterday.

Can you believe that?

Art Credits:
Hot Mama Art: Kim Carney/
Art: "Clandestine Libido" by Ramaz Razmadze