Saturday, January 23, 2010

Woman to Woman

The first and only time I ever felt any attraction to other women was pre-mommyhood and I was fully blown single and loving it! It was my first New Year's Eve party in Atlanta. It was 1991.

The previous October I'd broken up from a 3 year relationship with the man I probably would have married had it not been for his mother and sisters having a problem with me not being .. white. It was a long time coming, but it was finally over by Thanksgiving. And I was free to partee like it was 1999! I'd made a friend with a guy on a temp job. There was no romantic interest on my part, at least. We managed to go out on a couple of lunch dates then he invited me out on New Year's Eve.

I don't remember the exact location, but it was a high rise hotel ballroom downtown Atlanta. The air was crisp, the stars were bright, the people were beautiful. Especially, the women. There was hair and fragrance and adornments every where. I remember I wore black and blue. I sparkled and felt beautiful, too. My date loved to dance as much as I did. But I soon learned either him or his jacket hadn't been to the cleaners recently. He was fun, but I had to ditch him. I literally walked away from him on the dance floor and never looked back.

By the stroke of midnight, I had lost complete track of him. I found a pay phone and called my mother to wish her a Happy New Year. Then I returned to the dance floor where people were still kissing and hugging and dancing. I greeted everyone who reached out to me. Men and women. That's when I noticed... "Wow! She's beautiful." And so is she. And her.. and her. Oh my. I wasn't confused. I was just extremely observant of the truth. That I wasn't the only one who looked fantastic and had seemingly experienced angst over what outfit to wear and what to do with her hair.

This isn't a story about a discovery of any inner longings. It's just my first time observation that women are truly beautiful. And I understood why men think so.

Which brings me to this disclosure. My senior minister is a woman. Our associate minister is a man. He's gay. She is.. beautiful and sharp and wise and stylish. She has a permeating smile and the capacity to remember and speak your name and look you in the eye when she talks to you, and she touches you with her whole hand. Every Sunday after the service, many congregants line up to meet and greet the ministers on the way out. I love my church, I love the ministers. So I usually show my love and support for them with a full embrace, and I always tell them I love them.

The very last time I hugged and said I love you to my senior minister, I think I over did it. Telling her how "gorgeous" she was that day. I was ridiculously ecstatic. And as I walked away, a strange feeling came over me. Could she possibly think that I am gay?

I never want to give the impression that I am. So I've been avoiding the meet and greet line ever since.

Hey! Kelly McGillis (of Top Gun fame) came out last year. Saying.. she's done with the man thing. As did Alex P. Keaton's mom.. Meredith Baxter. I always felt something was up with her, though. These moms were married to men and making babies for years, then decided to get real and honest about who they are and who they want to love.

As for me.. I am for sure a lover of men. Although religion and pop culture has programmed us, through overt biblical and social messages that women belong with men and not other women. I could never be so dissociated from the genuine light of self-awareness.. to engage in a physical, romantic or otherwise sexual relationship with another woman. Although, truth be told, the thought doesn't disgust me.